Handling Conflict When the Other Doesn't Want to Engage
How to reach out to others, build trust, and avoid making them defensive
Last month, I wrote a popular post about how to escalate well. It raised another interesting question for the readers: what happens if the other party doesn’t want to escalate and prefers to avoid confrontation?
Most people think the primary emotion that governs conflict is anger. But anger is always a secondary emotion, covering up another more sensitive emotion. In the case of conflict, fear is often the primary emotion. This fear comes from a perceived lack of safety and a lack of trust. There is a fear of losing resources. There is a fear of a loss of time. There is a fear of arguments triggering unresolved traumas. Therefore, if you want another person or team to engage, it is about managing past the fear and building trust with them on their terms.
Here are 5 time tested steps to help you draw another out of their protective shell and engage with you sincerely:
Be curious about who they are. Start with understanding them — professionally and personally. Let them take the lead on where they’d like to dive deeper. Some people love talking about their kids. Others prefer to keep it professionally. In all cases, stick with questions that start with How, Why, What.
How did you get to your current role? How does this compare to past roles?
What is the goal of your team? How is progress this quarter?
What are your biggest challenges at the moment? What can you use help with?
What do you like to do outside of work?
The goal here is to get them to talk to you about whatever they love talking about. Your goal is to show genuine interest in the topic they prefer and to make them feel heard. Listen and give encouraging responses (e.g. nodding, reacting with small empathetic comments — “yes” “ oh wow”, “oh that is not good.”). Don’t be in a hurry to get to the conflict you’d like addressed. Ask at least 5 of these open questions, more if you’re starting from a tense situation. They are not dumb — they know you’re reaching out because you want to talk about the conflict. Either they’ll bring it up in time or you can try transitioning to it after 15 minutes to see their reaction.
Avoid Yes/No questions: It’s natural to want to start with assumptions and to check your assumptions. However, this can easily put the other party on the defensive. Avoid any question or phrasing of the question that they can answer with a yes or no. These can lead to dead ends and most likely include assumptions. Here are some common examples to avoid:
Are you afraid to do an escalation? Do you think we should do an escalation?