6 Lessons in Leadership from Parenting
Give options, connect not commands, allow room for failure: rings true in leadership as much as it does in parenting.
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Nancy Pelosi made history as the first elected female Speaker of the House and the first woman to lead a majority party in either chamber of Congress. In interviews about her professional journey there, she remarked that foraging coalitions and getting deals done in Congress is not so different from handling her five children’s ever-shifting personalities and alliances.
I could not agree more. It has struck me from my first parenting book how much can be learned about leadership and relationship building from parenting.
Lesson 1: Repetition
“Mama! Mama! Mama! I want this. I want bananas. Can I have a banana if I wash my hands? I want a banana mama.”
My four-year-old understands implicitly that repetition and persistence are critical to getting what I am initially unwilling to give. He knows it’s not time for a snack. But he wants a banana. So, over the next hour, he uses a combination of repetition and making trades to try and accomplish this goal.
At work, if you want your idea or suggestion to stick, it needs to be repeated. It sometimes feels like you’ve said the same sentences hundreds of times in a week. In other cases, persistence is key. At Instagram, there was a running joke that there are no new ideas, just new leaders. The same idea, pitched under different external market conditions or with a different set of leaders, may get the green light after multiple previous attempts.
Lesson 2: Connect and explain, no commands
“We’re leaving the park. Now. Let’s go! Time to get in the car!”
When has this series of commands led to willing action by the child? Children don’t respond willingly to direct commands. Neither to adults.
“Hey Joe, I know you’re having fun at the park. But it’s getting dark and I’m getting hungry. I want to go home to eat dinner soon. What do you think of going home to get dinner ready together?”
Here, the parent connects with the child by acknowledging how much fun she is having at the park. The parent further connects emotionally by explaining he is hungry and wants to go home. They appeal to the human inclination in the child to help others. And finally, they don’t command exactly what needs to be done (e.g. leave the park, get in a car) and instead imply it from the invitation to do another activity together.
The same concepts apply to leadership:
Appealing to a shared feeling to draw connection and empathy is a powerful way to elicit an emotional response and action. “The customer is frustrated that...” or “I am worried that…”.
Open-ended requests for help or support of a project like “How might we solve this problem together?” “What do you think we could do?” is more effective at getting buy-in and prompt action.
Focusing on the future “Where can we go from here?” is more effective than drilling down on the present: “We did this wrong.”.
Lesson 3: Provide facts, not solutions.
Example 1: “Don’t climb that tree. Watch where you step. Walk don’t run!”
Example 2: “That tree is quite tall. How will you get down? That floor is slippery from being wet. There is a car close by that may not see you well.”
In the first example, the words of caution come from a place of care but remove a child’s sense of autonomy and make them question their judgment.
In the second example, the parent gives the kid a chance to process additional information and make a different decision. This builds the child’s sense of independence and improves their observation and judgment. Over time, the kid in example 2 will be able to make better decisions without relying on someone else.
Similarly, leaders can encourage better decision-making from their teams by asking questions and providing context, rather than giving solutions. For example, try questions like
Have you thought about…
I learned that xyz is true. How does that change your thinking?
What does the worst-case scenario look like for X vs Y?
Lesson 4: Growth happens outside your comfort zone
“No, I want to cut the fruit myself.” “No, I want to do it.” “I hold it.”.
As a parent, you offer your child a plastic knife to cut fruit. You let your child put on his shoes on opposite feet and go to school. You let him carry that full cup of water across the room. Kids are not afraid to make mistakes. They view mistakes as just another step in the process of learning.
Yet as adults, we often let fear stop us from trying. As a leader, your job is to create the safety and space for your team, your peers, and your company to take risks outside their comfort zone.
Lesson 5: Give options
“Do you want to walk or ride your bike?” “Do you want the banana or the grapes”?
As parents, we know giving a set of limited options is a critical tool for avoiding tantrums, setting boundaries, and keeping kids safe.
When facing complex situations, it can feel daunting or be difficult to follow all the details and nuances. Describing potential choices and their tradeoffs is an effective way to disseminate important context and draw out the nuances of a complex situation. Giving concrete options makes the problem feel tangible, removes combinations that don’t make sense, and sets a minimum bar for additional brainstorming — it has to be better than what has already been proposed.
In providing broad choices (not a set of already-decided options), you are more likely to get the buy-in of the team, who has had the chance to voice their opinions, assert their autonomy, and work through the trade-offs for themselves.
Lesson 6: I’m here for you if you fail.
Example 1: “I told you that you couldn’t do it. You did a horrible job. I knew you would fail.”
Example 2: “That was a tough one. You saw it coming but didn’t catch the ball. That’s okay. Let’s try again without the sun in your eyes?”
The first example will leave a child filled with shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Over time, they’ll develop lower self-confidence and take fewer risks. They may never attempt the task again and descend to meet the expectation that they will fail.
If a child fails, it doesn’t help to blame the child, which will often tend towards anger or resentment. Instead, supportive parents allow the child to vent their emotions, help them assess what went wrong, and encourage them to try again.
Similarly, leaders need to lead through failure. They do not blame the team. They shoulder the consequences and blame, help figure out root causes, and encourage the team to try again.
Bonus: Harness creativity.
NASA did a study in 1994 that looked for ways to identify creative genius and divergent thinking. They found that 98% of 5-year-olds fell into the “genius” category of imagination. By high school, it was only 12%. By adulthood, 2%.
As parents, we are often surprised by our kid’s ability to do something we didn’t think was possible. My younger child fit a toy he wanted to bring in a tiny backpack by creatively folding and disassembling it. My older child created a car ramp that defies my understanding of physics. What underlies creativity is a strong sense of “anything is possible” and sufficient time and space to focus on the task at hand.
Leaders looking to increase creativity on their teams need to create a similar environment. With so many competing priorities in the workplace, it’s important to help the team find dedicated focused time to be able to think creatively. Then, encourage openness to new ideas and the safety of bringing up dissenting, unpopular, or unexpected inputs.
There are so many great concepts in parenting that translate well to leadership. I’d love to hear your examples!
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