How to Build Trust Without Playing Golf
How do I build trust if I don't play American sports? Try supporting your colleague's career and projects.
(Teddy the Corgi; Home)
When it comes to trust, most aspiring executives know it’s important. However, minorities, particularly Black and Hispanic people, start in a less trusted position due to bias. This occurs even from a young age. In a study from the Yale Child Study Center in 2016, teachers were asked to detect challenging behavior in videos of preschool children in the classroom. While no such behavior existed in any of the videos, when asked which children required the most attention, 42 percent of the teachers, Black and white, identified the Black boys. The same teachers also recommended harsher punishments for misbehavior and were less empathetic to any additional shared context.[i] These biases, which start in childhood, persist throughout adulthood and up the ranks of a corporation.
Minority aspiring executives often need to try ways that are further from their comfort zone and riskier to compensate for the effects of bias and build trust with the “in-group”. They sometimes struggle to find the “easier ways” of building trust through shared interests. They sometimes fail to find the balance between being different and bringing a new perspective that is valuable, but not so different that they risk being ostracized. These are large hurdles that frustrate some of the smartest people.
One of the ways I build trust is based on common goals at work, rather than trying to be someone’s friend. There’s a difference between professional relationships and personal friendships. In recent years, the lines have become more blurred, particularly at Silicon Valley startups where employees are encouraged to socialize at work among the Ping-Pong tables; flowing craft coffee, wine, and beer; and company-sponsored team bonding events. However, it is possible and important to make a clear distinction between the professional and the personal.
To find professional commonalities, focus on what you can help them with at work. First, I ask questions about what they do, what problems they’re facing, and what goals they have. I listen and look for common perspectives on culture, process, or strategy. I look for shared past experiences at work or shared ambitions for the future. Perhaps you are both struggling with a particular process. Perhaps you are both aspiring executives who want to get ahead. Perhaps you both agree that there’s a better approach for the product. Find the commonalities that will allow you to make conversation, share ideas, and build camaraderie. In many cases, one shared perspective is enough for a recurring coffee walk to catch up. It also can result in shared projects or tasks you kick off and lead together. There are many other ways to build relationships at work that don’t involve socialization activities:
Volunteer to help take notes for your peers in meetings and send it over within the day with a quick summary of possible next steps.
Point out their achievements and be their advocate. If you’re in a meeting with someone, you could say things like “Tina had a great idea about this” or “Dan noticed this issue recently,” where relevant. Or help advocate for that person in your professional circles (it always makes it back to the person).
Make time to talk and see if there’s something the other person is working on that you could support. This could be learning a hard skill (e.g., studying AI together could be useful). It could be a soft skill; maybe the other person is getting feedback that they’re too aggressive, too quiet, need to collaborate more, or need to work on public speaking. Volunteer to be their partner and help them see their blind spots or hold up a mirror when they need it.
Connect this person with another coworker. Find something they need help with, suggest someone who can help, and connect them.
Support their personal or career goals. Find out what type of knowledge or skill this person wants to learn, and proactively share relevant materials you come across. Volunteer to be an accountability buddy if you share the same goals.
I think it’s a misconception that being more social increases your leadership potential. We all know that person who got ahead by golfing with the CEO. However, I find that to be the exception. At the end of the day, it’s more important that you have the skill set to do the job well and that you can influence your peers and motivate your teams.
In addition to sharing professional interests, it is helpful to layer on shared social interests. Many minorities find that they don’t immediately have shared social interests with their white male colleagues. One way is to suggest alternative activities that you enjoy. If you don’t want to go to a baseball game, suggest bowling. If you don’t want to do a beer crawl, suggest a wine tasting. I’ve found that people often default to things they’ve done before, but they are more than willing to try out a new venue or activity if someone else takes the lead. People usually aren’t intentionally trying to exclude; they simply default to “the usual” until an alternative is suggested. Another option is to take an interest in something that many people at your workplace enjoy. After all, any new hobby starts with a first try. I give any new activity three tries before making a call. People appreciate you going out of your comfort zone to try something they enjoy, and sometimes you can build a bond through why it’s just not right for you (ask me why I highly dislike escape rooms for leadership events). That said, don’t get disheartened if you’re unsuccessful in the attempt to connect on a social level. Many leaders and executives are introverts who are thoughtful and reliable; they’re not the person who wants to be everyone’s friend.
[i] Cory Turner, “Bias Isn’t Just a Police Problem, It’s a Preschool Problem,” NPR, September 28, 2016, https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2016/09/28/495488716/bias-isnt-just-a-police-problem-its-a-preschool-problem.Many minorities want to build a closer relationship with a few important leaders in their company. The age-old “boys club” phenomenon, resulting from in-group bias and affinity bias, is one of the most mentioned barriers to executive leadership. When I talk about building trust and relationships with the minorities whom I coach, they often say things like I have nothing in common with them. I don’t go to baseball games. I can’t make happy hours as a mom. I don’t play golf!