How To Facilitate Tricky Meetings
Rabbit holes, interruptions, emotional outbursts. The meeting you're leading is not going well -- what to do?
(Hot Summer Dayz, Teddy the Corgi, Barcelona, Spain)
We’ve all been there — it’s an important decision meeting, or it was simply supposed to be an “FYI we’re starting to look into this” conversation — yet 15 minutes in, the conversation is not going as planned. We feel ourselves getting nervous and frustrated and fear slowly creeping in. You just want to curl up and disappear. Or shout at specific individuals to calm down. Your mind draws a blank on what to say next and it takes almost all your control just to try and keep your tone even.
What to do now? How can you bring everyone back on track and finish strong? Is it a lost cause?
Let’s dive into the increasing levels of intensity to address meetings gone awry. We start with trying to facilitate and mediate, move on to taking a pause, and lastly, simply end the meeting early and regroup later.
Level 1 chaos: Facilitate.
As the conversation begins to take a wrong turn, the first tool to try is active facilitation to bring it back to the topic or decision at hand. A simple facilitation framework has three parts: acknowledging and naming the disruption, kindly deferring the distraction for a future conversation, and then explicitly moving the group back towards the state topic or goal. Here’s how you might respond to some common derailments:
Example: A few people begin to go down a rabbit hole on an unrelated or lower priority topic:
“That is an interesting point, [name], I’d like to come back to it after we’ve made a decision on X if we have time. Regarding [topic or decision], does anyone have further input?”
“Yes, I agree that X is an issue we need to discuss. However, it’s unrelated to (or lower priority) than resolving X. Let’s park it for now and revisit it later.”
“Hey [name], sorry to interrupt the side conversation. Agree X is an issue. Let’s get back to the topic at hand so we can wrap up on time. ”
Example: A participant is constantly interrupting you (or others) in a way that is unproductive.
“[Interruptor], I hear your point. However, I don’t think it affect the current decision. I will note it for future consideration. Let’s move on as a group to the next topic. "
“[Interruptor], I’d love to discuss X with you in a 1-1. For now, it’s important that the group reaches a conclusion on X. ”
“[interruptor], I’d like to hear what [person interrupted] has to say.”
When actively facilitating, particularly in cases of unproductive disruptions, be kind but firm. A common mistake people make is being too uncertain at the moment. Avoid using questions to end (e.g. let’s move on? Could we move on?) as there isn’t anyone who is in a better position to answer that question than you (as the facilitator). Question form endings are more appropriate for those who are attempting to help the facilitator, and the question allows the facilitator to take back the reins.
Finally, avoid leaving the group hanging if no one picks up the conversation. After a minute, try adding a specific lead to the next conversation you want to have. Some good ways to transition away from a disruption include:
“[Participant], what do you think about X?”
“So far I’ve heard x, y, and we need to discuss z further. What thoughts do we have on z”?
“[Participant] made the last comment of [x], what do we think?”
The goal is to get people to talk again but on topic. Sometimes, you may have to try multiple times to move people forward — this is okay. Be mindful though that if the conversation keeps returning to a particular topic, it may be important to give that conversation some air time. Perhaps there’s a thread or connection you don’t see yet, and it’s difficult for the group to move on without addressing that topic first.
Level 2 chaos: Take a 2-minute break.
Sometimes, the same disruption keeps coming back. The interruptor keeps interrupting. The contentious but unrelated issue keeps getting mentioned. When facilitation becomes ineffective, and you feel that frustration build up, it’s time to ask the group to take a break.
Like, I can just do that?
Yes. You can. If you are getting worked up, chances are so are others. If you’re running an hour-long meeting, it’s often helpful to give a quick break and reset the emotions and conversation.
"Hey everyone, we’ve been at this conversation for some time. Let’s all take a quick 2 min stretch break.”
“There’s a lot to process here. Why don’t we take a few min to each gather our thoughts on what we’ve discussed so far, and come back together in 5 min to discuss next steps. ”
“Reading the room, I think we could use a break. Let’s take a few minutes to reset and regroup.”
Breaks can also be a change in format (e.g. presentation to Q&A, discussion to voting, discussion to whiteboard, etc). If you’re facilitating a long meeting (e.g. >30 minutes), please plan for breaks. Few people have the attention span to pay attention and actively engage in conversation for more than 20 minutes at a time. You will get disruptions or derailments if you attempt to have people engaged consistently for long periods of time. Their frustration may be with the tiredness or hunger they are feeling, rather than the content or decision at hand.
Level 3 chaos: End the meeting early.
Sometimes, it is clear a decision is not going to get made. Or that until a specific challenge or issue is addressed, the group isn’t going to move forward to other topics. In those cases, the best approach is to give time back.
When a conversation gets too emotional, and you’re 20 minutes into a 30-minute meeting, there’s little reason to keep dragging out the debate as it will not get resolved in the next 10 minutes. Instead, move on to planning for how you’d like to resolve the debate — most likely 1:1 or in smaller groups. It sounds something like this:
“I think we have a few big issues to work through before we can make a decision. Let’s end the meeting here for today. I will reach out to schedule individual and small group conversations so we can make progress before we regroup again. Thank you everyone.”
“Great. I think we have to resolve X before anything else. Given that, I’d like to give everyone some time back. Thank you. I’ll follow up with next steps.”
People love time back. While it can be frustrating not to reach a decision or have a discussion drag on longer, it’s important to recognize when it’s unavoidable. Perhaps you need to rethink your invitee list. Perhaps you need to have some 1:1s to air emotions. Perhaps you need more research or data to counter subjective arguments. Perhaps you need to build your coalition and influence further.
One time, I had a product review derailed by a senior engineering leader, who kept interrupting with what felt like a minor point. I ended the meeting early, and reached out to that leader for a 1:1. It turned out he misunderstood one bullet point (which has cascading consequences), and after we rewrote it together, he was a full supporter. We then went back to the group a few days later and the decision was made in 15 minutes.
Emotional meetings happen because there are core values or strong perspectives that haven’t been given enough time to be addressed And the best way to address them is in 1:1s, not large group meetings. Do those conversations first, and then attempt the group conversation again.
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Preparation is critical to a well-run group meeting. In addition to having an agenda and pre-read, plan for individual conversations to bring people on board a new idea or perspective ahead of time. While it may feel like a big group meeting will get everyone up to speed quickly, it is a risky bet — more often than not, you will get derailed. Plan for those moments — perhaps intentionally host a “pick apart this idea” large group meeting to get all the concerns out early.
Meetings are snapshots in time — an artificial forum created for a specific purpose. Preparing well for them (or recovering from one gone wrong) is critical for being perceived as an effective manager and leader. What are your favorite ways to prepare for difficult meetings or bring a conversation back on its rails? Let us know below!